sofasurfers

The population of Kazakhstan comprises approximately 53% ethnic Kazakhs, 30% ethnic Russians, 3.7% Ukrainians, 2.5% Uzbeks and 2.4% Germans; the remaining percentage is made up of Koreans, Chechens, Uighurs, Tatars, Greeks… and American Peace Corps volunteers. “No one ever asks to go to Kazakhstan,” says our host in Shymkent, one such 26-year-old volunteer, whose “community development” project was to help relocate the inhabitants of the Aral Sea area (which, since the 1960s’ environmentally catastrophic irrigation programme, is really not much of a sea any longer) to South Kazakhstan, where there’s more hope of work, running water, etc. It seems like practically half of Kazakhstan’s couchsurfers are PC volunteers (given that “no one ever asks to go to Kazakhstan,” I guess it’s a no-brainer to sign up to couchsurfing, for the steady trickle of Western traffic it delivers). It’s two-way street：for a nomadic couchsurfer with a laughable collection of bad experiences, this is one big ‘yay’ – given the Peace Corps’ gruelling selection process (a minimum of nine months, it seems), they’re a safe bet as accountable, intelligent, ambitious and morally lovely couchsurfing hosts. And with their 27-month postings in situ, they seriously know this place.“Shymkent is the Texas of Kazakhstan,” says our host. Oh? “Yuh – things can be a little wild here.” And so for the next two days, we hear it all: play Pin the Tail to the Donkey in my notepad and you’ll gasp wherever you land. Such as:

- The local HIV catastrophe (three years ago, the city hospital sold off thousands of its sterile needles and just recycled what remained – there are now 70-odd HIV-positive children in Shymkent).

- Bride-napping: “I saw a young girl being bride-napped outside my window. It was about 2 in the morning, and I could hear a woman screaming blue murder inside a parked car, while one guy was in the driving seat, and another was standing outside shouting at the guy. Eventually, the two guys stopped shouting at each other, and the guy outside the car, got in and started shouting at the girl. They drove off into the night.” Jeeeez. “It happens a lot because grooms don’t want to pay the dowry. Even one of my host family’s daughters [volunteers are housed with host families for the first nine months of their programme] was bride-napped.”

- AIDS awareness: “Students have asked me, ‘Can you get HIV from sharing the same glass?’” Prostitution: “In one village in South Kazakhstan, there are two volunteers that the locals think are gay, because they don’t go to prostitutes.”

• Weddings. “My Kazakh roommate says all weddings end in a fight. I try not to go to weddings because it ends up being a game of “Let’s Try and Get the American Drunk.” Plus everyone is expected to pay on the day, and give money to the parents, but the parents seem to pocket all the profit.”

• Eating sheeps’ heads: “I’ve nibbled on an ear, I’ve had the cheek.”

• Actually, worst of all is the corruption, with crooked police, teachers and doctors (teachers and doctors, even? Indeed). But we’re not going to go there just yet: let’s not stoke any more trouble than exists already.

Tell us something positive about Kazakhstan, we say! “Well, the personal interaction with Kazakhs is very positive,” our host concedes, “but you need to be here for a while for that.” Riiiight…

(apologies for blond-style mastery of bullets and formatting..)